Sunday, February 26, 2012

Cookie Monster

I need some opinions.

Say, hypothetically, that you have a 10 year old boy.

And, hypothetically, that the 10 year old boy takes after you and has the worst case of Sweet Tooth ever seen on God's green earth.

What, pray tell, does one do when said boy steals a case of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies from his sister and proceeds to EAT THEM ALL?

I am not kidding, guys.

As most of you know, my 9 is in Brownies. Rawr's daughter is a Junior Girl Scout. Last night, both girls were upstairs when I heard a thump, a couple of gasps and frantic whispering.

I was pinning everything I could find on Pinterest doing calculus for fun when the two girls stomped into the living room holding empty and torn cookies boxes and looking pret-ty pissed. I looked at my 10, he looked at me and immediately looked back at the TV. I stared harder, he sunk further into the couch.

Me: Boy.

Him: [clears throat]

Me: [staring, eyes boring holes into his little brain] BOY.

Him: [looks at me, looks away. Looks back] Yes, Mother?

Me: ....

Boy: I have no idea what happened here.


It appears that my 10 had taken an ENTIRE CASE of cookies and hid them (we're talking 12 boxes of cookies. 28 cookies to a box. That's about 336 cookies. IN A TEN YEAR OLD.)

From that case he consumed 3 boxes. And then I found 3 more. Add in the other 2 boxes I found a few days ago and I'm pretty sure that comes out to 1,056 cookies.

When I put him in the interrogation room (which is pretty much just my living room with the overhead light on) and proceeded to grill him about what the crap he thought he was doing and that taking those cookies from a CHARITY was called stealing and that cookies can kill you, he broke down in tears and told me, "I'm just so addicted to those delicious cookies, Mom!"

I tried not to laugh and kept my composure. I asked him why he took a case and hid it under his bed.

I didn't, Mom!


They wouldn't fit under my bed. So I put them under the 5's bed.


The child is already grounded for refusing to complete his homework last week.

So I ask you, dear readers. What do I do to this child to make him understand?

Also, I locked up all of the cookies in Elle's room.

And, as this was going to press (heh) the 9s found three more boxes under the 10s bed. Apparently, they were from before the last shake-down we had.

Obvoiusly, I've already made him pay for the initial boxes he took. The last 3 boxes I charged him $10 a box. The $6 surcharge goes toward the mental health care that I'm going to need after this.

Do I take away every one of his favorite foods and make him eat dry cereal and broccoli?
Do I send him to reform school?


Gary said...

This sounds very familiar to me. Reminds me a lot of the hijinks I would get up to when I was a kid. Unfortunately, there wasn't much that got through to me as a kid other than an ass-whooping or forced manual labor. I mean forced because it will take up more of your time corralling and haranguing him to do it because of course it's unjust that he should be forced to suffer such unjust servitude and he will drag his feet and do the worst job possible. Congratulations, he's edging closer to teenager-hood!

Unknown said...

You still didn't tell me how to fix this. I counted boxes tonight and there are still another FIVE boxes unaccounted for.

The Great and Powerful Blogz said...

Tie him to a chair and force feed him cookies until he never wants to look at another one again.

Unknown said...

Blogz, don't think I didn't consider it. Instead, I drove it home that gluttony kills.

The Great and Powerful Blogz said...

And now is when you wear a shirt that says GLUTTONY and start carrying sharp objects around the house.

Unknown said...

Finally. A suggestion I can use. Thank you.