Thursday, April 12, 2012

Sea Monster

I have The Herpes.

(I'm trying out new and improved ways to kill my mother via the internet. How am I doing?)

I do have herpes, but thank God it's just a cold sore, aka HSV-1, or Herpes Labialis (which sounds like you-know-what). And I got it from Elle, anyway, so it's not like I was out there sucking face with strangers. If you've ever had one of these pieces of crap, you know that they look like a giant leech on your lip. Which is sooo gross.

I am SUPER screwed blessed to have this thing parked on my face because this weekend, as you may recall, I am supposed to go back home and visit a bunch of friends and play dress-up in fancy dresses and I cannot do that with vermin on my lip. 

Um, hi. I'm here to try on this gorgeous $400 dress. Wait, why are you running away? Are you calling the Police? Haz Mat Suits? Really? That just seems unnecessary.

Because that is what I would do if the Creature from the Black and Blue Creep Lagoon came into my shop.

Since I refuse to play host to this parasite longer than necessary, I turned to my old friend Google to help me out.

I would have tried WebMD but last time my search for "numbness in toes" came back positive for HIV, Cancer or Diabetes. I've heard tales of WebMD and its reputation for outlandish diagnosis-es (?) but I did it anyway.

Today, I found a few suggestions via Google:

  • Alcohol- I tried Pirate Bay and cranberry, but after two glasses the thing remained unchanged.
  • Cat's Claw- I'm sure Petey would relish clawing my lip, but how is that going to do anything other than scar my face?
  • Mint- Um... is mint gum the same thing?

I hit on this website offering numerous remedies to knock this thing out.

The first suggestion was hydrogen peroxide.

"...That oxygen molecule goes directly to your cold sore where the herpes virus is reproducing and blasts the virus with oxygen. The virus is killed right on the spot. Nothing miraculous here, just science at work."

Cool. I happen to have some of that under the bathroom sink. I grabbed a cotton ball, soaked it in peroxide, shrugged at my reflection in the mirror and dabbed it on my lip. Hm. Not to shabby. The blister was beginning to turn white. I dabbed on a bit more.


I tried to wipe it off with a tissue, but by that point the peroxide had burned through the thin layer of skin on my lip and trying to wipe it off only produced blood. I turned the faucet on and shoved my face under the blasting water, which sprayed everywhere and soaked my shirt.

The burning was reduced to a mild sting eventually. I swore under my breath, reminding myself to punch this internet moron later.

And went back to the website for the next item.

What. I'm desperate.

Next up on the tour was L-lysine. What the heck is that? Hm. It says L-lysine is a nutritional 
supplement. Is Vitamin D the same thing? Fish oil? 

"The herpes virus hates lysine! Lysine to the herpes virus cold sore is like kryptonite to Superman! But you have to take it orally to get the results."

Take orally? AS OPPOSED TO WHAT? Skip.

Last effort.

Repeat each of these steps daily. What? You just said that the peroxide would kill that crap on the spot. LIAR.

Also, that's it? Two suggestions? Please review what the word "numerous" means.

Screw this crap.

Wait. There's something there at the bottom.

"For even more information on cold sores I found these pages to be really informative:
I will punch someone in the neck.
***Also, if someone could tell me why in the heck my font and spacing and coloring is all screwy today, I would really reconsider my attack on Blogger. Verbal Attack. It's not like I was going to... punch. Anyone in... the neck. Um.



BunrattyBroad said...

I used your lip gloss.

*snicker, snort, guffaw, chortle and other various and sundry forms of mocking laughter*

Unknown said...

I will shoot you IN THE FACE. With a bazooka. JERK.

Wait. Yeah. So, last night I totally read your diary.

*snicker, snort, guffaw and punch you in the face*

And now you'll run off and check to see if I really did.


BunrattyBroad said...

So you'll know what I did to your toothpaste. Cool. How's that working out for you?

Unknown said...

I will kill your face.