Saturday, May 5, 2012

Pretty Typical

My life is not any more entertaining that yours. Maybe. I dunno, do any of you get foot fungus from playing competitive Tramp Ball or deploy Warmongers to protect unsuspecting neighbors?

If you do, meet me at Starbucks in an hour for Coffee. We are now best friends.

I would like to list a few situations that I have found myself in as of late. Not any one is singularly remarkable, but usually in the middle of it I find myself thinking Is it just me, or does this happen to other people and I just make a big deal out of it?

Take today.

Rawr and I were at the liquor store with the kids (HELLO, we left them in the car. Only dumb people take their kids into the liquor store with them because everyone knows that kids always ask you to buy them something and you already know what would happen if I told them they couldn't have anything. They would throw a fit and I would look like a bad mom. For many different reasons. Oh, also? Rawr and I went into the store in shifts. It's not like we left three preschoolers in the car alone. That would just be stupid).

(I explain a lot, don't I? I'm working on it. I am very wordy)

When it was my turn, I wandered the store trying to look like I knew what I was doing. After fifteen minutes and a store clerk assuring me that he would help me select a vodka (NO NO NO NEVERNONONO. NO. I had a bad experience!), I found what I was looking for and made my way to the cash register.

I watched the lady, twenty years my senior, scan the items as I pulled my I.D. from my wallet. And I watched her total the order and look at me. In the face.

Clerk: That's forty three fifty six.

Me: [GASP- I may want to look into AA] Okay, and here's my ID! I know you'll need that. Ha ha HA.

Clerk: [blank stare]

Me: [throwing ID and glaring]

Clerk: [reluctantly retrieves card from counter, DOESN'T EVEN LOOK AT IT, and hands it back]

Me: [scowl]

[realize that the scowl probably makes me look older. Switch to serene look of mildness]

[clerk ignores me and examines her nails while I swipe my debit card]

Me:[mutters under breath] Old Hag.

Clerk: [jerks head up] What?

Me: Can I get a BAG.

Really. This is how it's going to be? I hit my thirties and suddenly spend every available moment DARING people to assume I'm over twenty six?

Apparently, when you make it to your thirties, your memory will start to slip as well.

Tonight I was in the kitchen making Rawr's birthday cake (party tomorrow and knowing The League, it will end in an epic manner). Mumsie has an ah-mazing chocolate cake recipe complete with a delish chocolate frosting bonus. I realized that I was out of powdered sugar, so Mumsie ran to the store while I set about cleaning the huge mess my lovely kids had made.

Do you bake? You know how when you're a giant chocolate whore and you keep sticking your fingers in the batter even though you know there's a forty-five percent chance that you'll get salmonella from the eggs but you do it anyway? Well, there aren't any eggs in frosting, right?

As I walked past the bowl, I stuck my finger in and grabbed a big gob of frosting and shoved it in my mouth. (Note: I actually HATE frosting, but this stuff is different because it's home made and delicious)

Me: [stupidly] Hm, this looks good. [swipe] HACK. AUGH. [cough, sputter, choke to pieces]

Apparently, baking chocolate is still bitter even when everything is in the bowl and just waiting on the sugar.

I thought my taste buds were going to seize and explode, and not in a good way.

My 5 looked at me and shook her head knowingly.

I may have given her a piece of bakers chocolate when she was three because she wouldn't stop pestering me while I was baking and when she took a giant bite DESPITE MY WARNING, she immediately threw up all over the kitchen.

She's been there, done that.

Other situations that I have found myself in:
  • When I was 12 I got my entire left hand stuck in the mixing beaters while making a cake. Mumsie thought turning it on again would loosen the beaters. It did not.
  • Rawr's husband thinks it's a funny game to sneak up on me and grab my sides, resulting in me screaming bloody murder and punching him in the chest while everyone else laughs to death. (I get a little hit-ty when spooked)
  • Hiding behind the drink station on my third week of work while a hostile customer tried to climb the counter and beat me up. Because he thought I called his wife a name after she threatened to stab me with a pair of sunglasses, when all I was doing was calling for my boss (Rich!).
  • Chasing two drunk college freshman down the sidewalk at 10am (with burrito smeared down my face and on my shirt) after I told them they weren't allowed to have a food fight in my restaurant. 
  • When I was in junior high, the back of our house caved in due to snow damage While my parents were in the process of rebuilding, I ignored my dad's warning to stop hopping from board to board and the next thing I knew, I was in the hospital getting a tetanus shot and I had to throw away my shoe.
  • I convinced Elle to steal something while in another country, which I'm pretty sure makes her an international felon. I will never turn her in, though, because I may need to blackmail her in the future.

I kind of think that's enough for now.


bunrattybroad said...

I was sober the ENTIRE time we were in that other country!

Did you drug me? Because that would explain Brat's simple-minded mannerisms.

Unknown said...

Not unless you call my Powers of Persuasion a Drug!