Saturday, August 4, 2012

Middle School will kill ME

Earlier this (school) year, I had the pleasure of helping out in my son's Fifth grade class.

I got to meet a bunch of his classmates and learn which ones I don't want him hanging out with, and those who I wouldn't mind having over some afternoon.

I actually liked pretty much every kid in his class. There were two girls in particular I grew rather fond of. We'll call them Kathy and Harley. Kathy reminded me of myself at that age, and Harley had a cute little lisp that made her seem just so innocent.

My son had a chance to take part in what our school district calls Kickstart, which helps students adjust to a new school setting by allowing students to spend three weeks going through the motions of school and getting a feel for what will take place this fall. Kind of like summer school, but different. Plus, they get to use iPads, which is what sold my kid on the whole summer-interruption situation.

Also, he gets to ride the bus. Which he has managed to miss twice already which is always super sweet because normally I drive him to meet the bus (I know, it sounds ridiculous but just let me finish) before I take a shower. I'm always afraid that I'll do something on accident like run over the curb which will make the state patrol suddenly materialize behind me and he will immediately assume I am drunk. Naturally, he will pull me over, then I'll have to get out of my car with my messy pony tail and my tank top and pajama pants and then everyone I know will drive by and stare at me. And by coincidence, the bank next door will get robbed, I'll inadvertently catch the robber by backing over him as I leave with my traffic ticket and then I will be ON THE NEWS DRESSED LIKE THAT.

Except that I showered this morning because no way was I going on Channel 6 in my ratty tank top. Anyway, I do have a point here. I'll just get to it already.

Today, I had to pick him up from school. Early. Which meant that when I saw my 11's class file out of the gym, I was relieved. I don't know my way around the school yet, and the office staff is filtered out all over the grounds so in order to find him, I would have to basically navigate The Labyrinth..

I waved to my 11, smiled at Kathy, Harley and a few others I recognized and began walking over.

Me: [to self] Gosh, it's so nice that there are kids 11 already knows. That must make it so much easier on him. There's Harley. [wave] She's such a nice girl. Except. Hey. WHOA. WHY IS YOUR ARM AROUND MY KID, HARLEY?

My eyes narrow.

Me: [still to self, BUT BARELY] Get your little paws off my kid, HARLOT.

Harlot: [lisps] Hey, Mith Emily.

Me: [tight-lipped] Hello, Harley.

I'll bet you got that lisp by putting your little claws all over some other Mom's innocent son.

Still Me: [eyes boring hokes into 11's face] Hello, Son.

11: [gulps, shrugs off Harlot's arm] Hey. Mom. Heh. Um...

Harlot: It's good to thee you again, Mith Emily. I love Kickstart.

Me: [holding it together, BUT BARELY] Do you.

Harlot: Yeth. Becauth I get to thee 11.

Me: [BREATHE] Well, that's just... fantastic. LET'S GO SON.

Bottom line? My kid is growing up and I am scared that I will be that trailer park mom in dirty sweatpants with a bad perm who chases off every girl that so much as glances at my son.

Only, guess what.

I have two daughters.

I can only imagine how I will react to boys taking an interest in them.

May God help us all.

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