Monday, December 17, 2012

The stupid things I do

Rawr and I went to Wal Mart today. I had to return something I purchased for my 9 but she refused to own because IT LOOKS WEIRD, MOM.

Who knew jeans could freak someone out so much.

Rawr and I split up because everyone in the world knows how long it takes to go through Wal Mart's return line. It never fails: there is always one person stationed at the return register, going incredibly slow because they recently discovered what Job Security is, and there are always AT LEAST two other people behind the counter pretending they can't see the ever-growing line while they make a poor attempt to look busy except they're gossiping about Marge in Cosmetics who always shows up late and never restocks properly and oh-my-gawd-have-you-seen-her-boyfriend-because-he-is-so-ugly, while everyone in the return line grows more and more pissed off at the incredible lack of proper guest service (Can you tell I've dealt with the public for 400 years?).

So there I stood, in that god-forsaken line, shifting from one foot to another while trying to decide if I really cared about a twenty dollars pair of jeans and wouldn't it be better to just walk out and donate the jeans to a shelter when someone behind me spoke.

Voice: Been here long?

Peeps, maybe I'm weird, but I can't stand it when someone says something randomly behind me, someone I didn't even know was there until I heard his voice, and I have to turn around and see if they were even talking to me in the first place, but when I do he's not looking at me so I have to do that weird half smile and pretend like I was looking around for my friend except then they look at you with blank eyes and you start to get really weirded out because then you realize they were talking to you, only now there's been too long of silence for you to rally respond, so you turn around and then they speak again.

Voice: Well?

Really? You wait until I turned around? Fine. Whatever Its freaking Christmas. I will humor you, dude.

Me: Does it matter? It's going to take all day anyway.

Voice: HAHA. Yeah. [stares] How's your day going? Are you off today? Shopping with your husband? Or [looks hopeful] are you single?

Oh, shit. I was SOOO not in the mood for small talk, let alone a conversation where I would have to dodge being hit on.

Me: My husband is dead.

Damnit! Always go with My husband should be along any moment. Stupid!

Voice: [undeterred] Oh. Are you seeing anyone?

Me: [trying not to wrinkle my nose because I've discovered that I do it all the time and it is NOT attractive. Deciding that I don't want to look attractive, so I wrinkle my nose extra hard] No.

Double damnit! ALWAYS LIE, STUPID! 

Voice: You have kids?

Me: Um.

Voice: I don't. I love kids. I have nephews. And nieces.

Me: [wondering if I have done something specific that God has decided to punish me, or if this is just for shits and giggles]

Voice: I'm off on Wednesday. Want to hang out?

Me: Um, no. I don't think so. I'm still... grieving.

Voice: We can just hang out as friends. We can meet in a group for a drink, even. It's okay.

Me: Sorry, it's just that I'm not really-

Voice: Looking for friends? Who doesn't want friends?

Me: Me.

Voice: [laughs] Everyone needs friends. If that makes you uncomfortable, we could meet for coffee.

Me: Um...

Voice: Really. It's not a big deal.

We spoke for a few more minutes until I did something really stupid and gave him my number. My real number. And not because I wanted to, but because apparently I can't tell people no.

Try it. Ask me for my bank account number. While you're at it, tell me to go steal a car. I bet I'll do it

Totally not answering the phone if he ever calls. He was nice, but not my type.

But hey, baby steps, right?

Maybe someday I won't be incredibly terrified of men I don't know.

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