Monday, October 7, 2013

Even my First Grader knows you don't cut in line, Lady

Mumsie and I recently hauled off to the coast for an overnighter, complete with my three kiddos.

It would have been really cool if things played out the way we'd planned them. We were supposed to leave early Saturday afternoon, only my boss (did I tell you? I got a new job!) slyly had me work a 14 hour shift and he reappeared about 3 hours later than he had implied (who makes someone come in at 5am anyway? I mean, other than me when I managed Burger King. Haha, that was so mean. Anyway...) But I used to work those ridiculous shifts all the time, so this wasn't a huge deal except that I was trying to leave town.

Good thing my boss is a totally cool guy, otherwise that would have been grounds for some nasty looks and passive retribution (in my head, I'm like, REALLY mean. But I haven't been directly supervised under someone else's employ since 1999, so its hard for me to assert myself right now when I'm not calling the shots. It's like my 19 year old self was hiding and made a recent reappearance and I'm not sure how to get rid of her without calling attention to the fact that I'm currently dealing with split personalities. Also, I'm not as huge a wuss as I'm making myself out to be. Promise)

Mumsie and the kids and I did eventually get out of town, and hit the coastline right as the sun was going down. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, which is pretty amazing for the Pacific Northwest (where people are like, Sun? What's that?).

Except we still had to drive to the hotel so I missed all of the lovely photographic moments. But that's okay, because after hitting town late, and checking in to the hotel, Mumsie and I took the kids out for pizza.

What great set of mother's doesn't hit a pizza parlor until 8:30pm with three hungry kids in tow? Did I mention that two of them had also been up since 5am? Recipe for success, let me tell you.

Now, my kids and I have all been PMSing or something for the last few weeks. And only a few days ago did I feel like we were returning to normalcy. So what could very well have been the biggest disaster to hit that little town since the storm of '47 was avoided by my children being surprisingly well behaved. And when I say that I mean they were like someone else's kids: polite, happy, satisfied with two dollars each in quarters. It was amazing because I was dead tired.

I left Mumsie with the kids and stood in line at the counter to order.

This pizza parlor was a little weird because they don't have a visible menu. You have to kind of wander around the counter area acting like you're looking for napkins until you run across a pile of slightly rumpled paper menus. Then you snag one and quickly try to decide what to order before it's your turn. Only, the place was incredibly busy and there were only three people working that I could see, so I had some time.

I had done all of this and was patiently waiting to place my order when THEY showed up.

The older couple who was probably on their first romantic weekend together after three failed marriages. They'd obviously spent a few hours at the bar down the street because there was a lot of geriatric groping going on and the female kept yelling about WHAT SIZE DO WE WANT and the male keept kissing her ear only he was missing and getting mouthfuls of hair and having to spit it out of his mouth, all while attempting to goose the female's butt, but she couldn't stand up straight and he failed to notice that as well, so he looked like he was imitating Data from Goonie's with his Pinchers of Power.

It was all very annoying, but wasn't affecting me so I just looked elsewhere an tried to ignore it.


The female sidled up next to me in line. As in, she stepped on my foot.

I knew where that was going. And hell-to-the-no.

My kids were starving, the place was incredibly busy, an no WAY was I going to let them cut in line. Not when they were talking about ordering four pizzas (my earlier assessment about their romantic retreat was, apparently, incorrect).

The lady turned to me.

Drunk B*tch: Wur juss grabbin' a MEN-YEW [hiccup] [not moving]

Me: Yeah [smile that doesn't reach my eyes]. Sorry, but the end of the line is actually over there.

[man leaves for the restroom. Female scoots in front of me]

Me: Hi. I noticed you're still here. Sorry, but I have four hungry kids and a grandma to feed and I've been waiting a while.

I actually only have 3 kids. I guess I lie when I'm pissed.

The drunk female turned to look at me, only her eyes never exactly located mine, so she just swayed a bit and stumbled forward into the counter.

I shot daggers at her back but decided to let it go. After all, she was stupid and what was I going to do, start a fight with her?

I placed our order (a 17" pizza and 12 bread sticks: the chick behind the counter handed me two plates. I looked at the plates, down at myself, and back at the chick. I've been kind of lazy with the healthy eating lately and sort of stressing about it. So for this woman, whom I don't know, to hand me only two plates freaked me out. I think she called me fat without actually saying it. Needless to say, I'm off the carbs again).

I stood at the wall of photos showcasing over 50 years of pizza making by this family owned business while waiting for the order, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a different woman walk up to me and just sort of lean in. So I turned to her, smiled awkwardly, and said hi.

Me: Hi.

Her: Hi! [blinks. Smiles. Stares]

Me: Um. [clears throat] Hi there. You.

Her: Do you live here?

Me: No. [pause] Do you?

WHAT? I didn't know what was going on, so I just sort of morphed this weird moment into a conversation.

Her: No.

Me: Okay.

Her: I thought you were someone else.

Me: Nope. I'm just... me.

Her: Okay [walks away. Turns around to wave good-bye]

Dude. The people in that town were weird.

My order was called before the people ahead of me who had cut in line. Which is good, because for a while I had entertained myself by coming up with different ways of ruining their food and/or night:

  • "Accidentally" running  into them as they picked up their order from the counter and watching as their pizzas bit the dust, then offering them a single napkin with which to clean their soiled clothing
  • Stealing their order, and flinging their pizzas all over their car except I didn't think they'd driven on account of how sloshed they were
  • Anonymously sending a roofied beer to their table 
  • Kicking them in the shins

But I didn't do any of that because I'm not that extreme, and also because they disappeared and I never saw them again.

Mumsie and I really enjoyed ourselves on the remainder of the trip. The kids did, too. All in all, it was a good weekend.

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