It's not what you think it is

My children take sick pleasure in making sure that I look like a fool as often as possible.

I also suspect that the middle one keeps a journal of all the times I'm embarrassed, but I've snooped through all her stuff and I can't find it. Just out of curiosity, how old do you have to be to rent a safety deposit box?

Tonight, I was over at Rawr's trying to re-watch the movies we rented last night, but couldn't pay attention to on account of the fact that one of them sucked and we just ended up throwing back a few six-packs. Which makes me sounds like a nineteen year-old college freshman, but you know what? I don't care.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING TO NUMB THE CRAZY.

So we tried to watch the movies for the second time, only didn't pay attention tonight either. This time all we were drinking was diet soda, so I'm pretty sure the cause of the distraction was the pile of Halloween candy Rawr and I were scarfing down (Yeah. Some people never learn).

I'm not really sure what happened to Rawr growing up, but she drinks her soda warm from the can.

Yeah.

I KNOW.

Gross.

I was sitting on the couch, pouring soda into a glass of ice and explaining something very important to Rawr, I don't remember what exactly but it was probably very in depth and serious because I was looking at Rawr and not paying attention until the soda exploded all over the place and Rawr's house burned down.

Okay, that last part didn't really happen, but the explosion did. All over my lap and onto the couch and cushions and pretty much saturated my entire behind.

Rawr's 10 grabbed a towel and threw it at me so I could clean up the mess and then all the kids started pointing and laughing and ran away.

A few minutes later I was back on the couch when my 11 walked into the room.

11: Hi Mom. [eyeing me]

Me: Hey. What's up?

11: I heard you peed yourself.

Rawr: BAHAHAHA!!!

Me: [stare] I did not.

11: Then why are you sitting on a towel?

Rawr: [choking to death on her own face]

Me: Dude. It's soda.

11: Sure it is.

That's alright. Tonight, Rawr's 10 is staying over at my house.

The bowl of warm water is already waiting....