Friday, November 9, 2012

If Only

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and scrap a particular experience. You know what I mean, right? Maybe it's the time you spot a friend in a crowded store and so you start jumping up and down, yelling and calling their name and basically just acting like a total idiot only to eventually discover that the person you're screaming at only looks like your friend and is now running away from you, so you try to adjust your hair, straighten your shirt and walk quickly away with your head down and hope no one noticed, only you know everyone did..

Totally have never done that. At least, not more than twice.

Other times, maybe you find yourself in a situation you didn't expect, and you're caught so off guard that you end up not being able to say things you needed to say and you end up feeling pretty crappy about the whole thing for the last week.

I've never done that, either. I am incredibly eloquent, yo.

My point is, there should be a rewind button. Or maybe like a Do Over Button. Possibly one of those MIB mind-eraser sticks. Everybody could get one in their Christmas Stocking. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

Think about it. The 5 is forever chasing the cat around and doing terrible things to him like dressing him in doll clothes and locking him in the shower (not running, of course). If I had one of those mind-erasers I could just zap the cat and not have him shooting through the house like a wildebeast every time the 5 comes within range.

And as grown-ups, I'm pretty sure you and I can think of much more interesting situations where we could use that thing for evil. I mean good. Mostly evil.

OMG, I can think of all KINDS of ways I would use that for evil. Go up to the meanest person I know and just slap their face repeatedly, but zap them with the Mind Controller every time they're about to hit me back so that they're all like, "WHOA, wait. My face hurts. Hey. There's that Emily girl. Why is she so close to-OW! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU SONOFAB-- Hey. There's that Emily girl. OH! SHE HIT ME! I'M GOING TO--" and so on.

I'm not violent. There's just someone I've wanted to slap the crap out of since high school and if I had one of those thingies I could go take care of it in my own passive-aggressive manner.

Is it weird that I can't think of a single way I might use it for good? Oh well, I'm tired. Maybe if I was well rested I could think of something.

Probably not though.

You could really have a lot of fun with something like that. I'm not sure what kind of optical cancer we would all have, but I sort of feel like people would make the sacrifice.
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