How to Build a Trampoline

Step 1: Move the gargantuan box from the porch out to the lawn. Approximate distance: 900 feet.

Step 2: Remember to hold on to box while listing to the left so it doesn't fall off the dolly.

Step 3: Open box, remove pieces. Complain about how trampolines aren't as easy to put together as they were 20 years ago. Gasp with the realization that you are now old enough to use phrases like that.

Step 4: Grunt, groan and cuss out trampoline. Sweat and pull a muscle. Hit metal frame with spring. Jump aside as it comes back to hit you. Select one amazing swear word and use it.

Step 5: Drag trampoline all over 6 acres trying to find a single level spot. Swear some more. Make mental note to go to church more often.

Step 6: Beat kids to trampoline and yell that they can't have a turn until you're done. Make mental note to get a grip. Or some Xanax.

Notice the pissed-off  9 in the background.

Step 7: Proceed to do unintentional flips and extra high jumps. Flop backwards and hit self in face with own hand.

 

 Ow.

 

Step 8: Remove self from trampoline like a crab. 

Step 9: Watch kids jump and enjoy themselves. Reminisce with sister about good old days before backaches and broken hands.