Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Heart Attacks; not just for the unhealthy

The other day, Rawr and I were outside sitting on the porch while keeping an eye on the younger brood while they drew all over the driveway with sidewalk chalk.

Rawr's ten year old daughter is quite artistic with using chalk as a medium. If she ever gets jumped into a street gang I can already tell who the tagger for the group will be.

Rawr's thirteen year old son and my ten year old son were walking back and forth between houses with my 10s Science Encyclopedia. My 10 is infatuated with subjects like Science and Space. He loves encyclopedias and other stuff that makes me feel dumb for harboring a terrible addiction to novels instead of any actual information that would make me smarter.

The boys were looking a bit secretive about the whole encyclopedia thing, but I didn't think much of it. I've thumbed through it before and I know there is a bunch of information on animals, insects, space and the like.

I was talking to Rawr when all of a sudden Rawr and I both became acutely aware of the boys' conversation that was taking place not three feet from us.

The boys had the book open and were showing it to their younger sisters (ages 10 and 9).

Rawr's 13: See? It shows all about how babies are made.

My 10: Yeah. Look at it.

Me: [seizures, heart attack]

Rawr: [eyeing me warily] What are you freaking out about, you fool?

Rawr's 13: Ovaries, uterus, cervix, vagi--

Me: STOP. STOP NOW.

You are all going to judge me, and that's okay. But I haven't exactly explained all of that baby-making stuff to my 10 because he's never showed any interest. I did try to bring it up a few years ago but he was disgusted so I stopped.

He's going to be in sixth grade next year, which puts him in middle school, so I know that we need to discuss it soon. But given my (former) Mormon upbringing, I have this super-prude sense of morality and taboo subjects and everything like that gives me HIVES just thinking about it.

My 5, on the other hand, likes to talk about it ALL THE TIME.

I've given her just enough information to satisfy her curiosity because she is at the stage where she will tell complete strangers very unnecessary details of our lives. Like the time she told the lady at Costco that we buy a lot of coffee because Mommy drinks too much. I had to clarify that I drank a lot of coffee but I'm not sure the lady believed me.

My 9, on the other hand, is completely oblivious to everything. She is exactly like I was at her age, so I kind of feel like I have some massive insight to how she functions. Which is good for now, and if she continues to be my mini-me, may God have mercy on my soul over the next ten years. And thanks, Dad, for putting that curse on me when I was twelve ("I hope you have a daughter just like you").

I've tried to let my kids know that they can ask me about anything, and when they do, I like to think that my face remains unchanged while inside, my organs are vomiting on each other.

I wish these little dweebs would stay young and innocent forever. 
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