My sister and I were in the car today driving to meet our parents at the porn store. What? I'm totally serious. Oh, come on. It's not like we were all going shopping there together. We use the "Adult Novelties" parking lot to exchange things: kids, cars, wood flooring, etc. And it's not like we're parking right out front under the sign advertising sales. Can you imagine? Look, Mommy! All "toys" are half off! Can we look? Heck no, techno. We park at the entrance to the lot and the store is actually around the corner. You can't even tell what it is.
My brother had recently acquired a vehicle for my sister (sounds totally legal, right? It really was). We had to meet our parents half way in order to retrieve it. By a show of hands, can I see who in their right might would try to take two 5's and a 3 on an hour long car trip in the world's smallest commuter car when they haven't napped? You are smarter than my sister and me.
So there we were, speeding down the freeway/ We had the entire backseat filled with kids and car seats. It was like a wall of preschool grenades just waiting to explode. Historically, my sister's 5 and 3 (I can't figure out how to link to that post where I explain that we call our kids by number. Quit judging me!) have to stop every 20 minutes to pee, so I was pretty amazed when we were about 35 minutes into the trip and things were going swell. My 5 was doing just fine because long ago I made the decision not to give her water. In the car. (Gotcha! Get your finger off CPS speed-dial).
And then they started picking on each other.
First 5: STOP. You're touching my arm.
Second 5: This is MY side. I have this whole part [gouging her cousin in the side while claiming the entire left half of the car]
First 5: No. You can't do that. MOM. She's bugging me!
Second 5: [noticing my head twisted around and boring holes into her face with my laser eyes. Suddenly smiles and looks sweet] It's okay, I'll share. [beams]
First 5: [looking at her cousin suspiciously] ..... [pokes the 3 on her other side]
3: Don't. Look. At. Me!
First 5: [eyeballing her]
3: [pinches first 5] NO!
Then there was a lot of knock-it-off-so-help-me-if-I-have-to-turn-this-car-around from my sister (which is funny because aren't you supposed to like, not do that on the FREEWAY?) and quite a bit of pinching on the 3's part. It was a little bit funny because my sister tried to kill us all when she reached into the backseat asked the 3 to put her tiny hands in my sisters hands to hold for a minute. Then my sister threatened to duct tape pot holders to her kids' hands if they didn't quit. I was trying so hard not to laugh (and kind of wondering if she kept that kind of stuff in the car because otherwise, if she had to make good on the threat...) I almost forgot to be scared about her driving 70mph with one hand on the wheel while she pinned a toddlers hands together.
Well, my 5 was apparently fed up with the entire situation because she suddenly belted out her cousins first name, but used her own middle and last name.
I realize this may be one of those situations where I'm cracking up over here and you're standing there waiting for the funny part. Pretend like she yelled "Sarah Luther King, Jr!" Funny, right?
My 5 looked pretty pissed that her auntie and I were cracking up.
Rest assured, we arrived at the porn store without any further incidents, collected my sister's new ride and shot off into the sunset.
This is totally not her car. But this is what would have happened to it had the 3 kept pinching people.
THIS is her car.
(No, not really. But wouldn't that be AWESOME?!)