Monday, December 1, 2014

Threat-level? Possibly Orange. I'm not really sure what that stands for, but it sounds bad


Uh, hey guys. What's up?

Me? Oh, you know.... yeah, so I could totally see how you may have thought I abandoned Eloquence or died or maybe just, you know, created a super-fantastic new thing-a-majig that just occupied all my time or something but...

I started a new job. It was more of a lateral move. Like, you know how I used to manage a fast food restaurant, which is kind of like the Dollar Store of restaurants? So I kind of took a retail job that isn't exactly a job AT Dollar Tree, but something like it. Not that there is anything wrong with where I work now or where I did before. I'm still going to school full-time, almost done with my AA and then I'll move on the my Bachelor's so at least I'm still moving forward.

It just wasn't a dream of mine to work with the public. Like, ever. But here I am again, facing them every damn day. I've gotta say though, you would be REALLY surprised how friendly my customer's are when compared to those I dealt with in fast food.

Anyway, so I've got to tell you this.

On my first day, they were giving a group of us a tour around the facility. We were going through all the safety regulations, blah blah blah, nothing new, until we reached the back where the cardboard crusher was. It's this giant machine that eats cardboard and flattens it out. After stressing the point that we don't belong IN the machine, I looked around to see if any of my new co-workers looked like the type who were so severely dumb that they thought playing in a giant pancake maker would be a grand idea. They were all nodding along, so I shook my head for a sec and refocused. We moved on to the tools available for cutting down the cardboard and a few cautionary statements from the supervisor:

1. Always cut away from yourself, never toward (makes sense. I enjoy all 10 digits on my hands).
2. Never throw a box knife, especially with the blade extended. Box knives are not to be used in a threatening manner. Ever.

Wait, WHAT?

Who the fuck am I working with, Charles Manson? Ninjas? I shot a glance around to see if anyone else was alarmed at the news that we would be armed with shivs.

I mean, I can shank someone with the best of them (I guess, I mean I've never actually HAD to, but I think I would do fairly well in battle as I am built quite sturdy).

Plus, you KNOW they had to use that warning because it had already happened and they were trying to avoid another incident.

I caught the eye of a girl who was standing a few feet away and watched a slow smile spread across her face. I raised an eyebrow at her, she did the same.

As we left the cardboard area she sidled up next to me.

"Is it me, or did they just arm us with weapons?" she whispered. "This is about to get So. Awesome."

I smiled.

I'd just found my work-bestie.

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