Monday, October 21, 2013

That an't how we do it

This morning, I stood in the kitchen, staring at the coffee pot as it slowly filled. I My 10 and 6 were sitting at the dining room table, chattering about pumpkin spice pancakes and whether or not peanut butter was an acceptable topping. I looked at my feet where the dog sat, perfectly still, with a look in his eyes that said, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A COOKIE!! I patted his head. "No cookie," I told him.

"TWELVE! You're going to be late for school!" I called. "Again."

I muttered the last part under my breath. That kid had already been sentenced to detention for having more than five tardies to his first period class. We live directly across the street from the school.

"Sorry, Mom. I'm ready," he said as he rushed down the hall.

"Um, what are you doing?" questioned my 10.

"YEAH. MOM'S NOT GONNA LIKE THAT," added the 6 (who yells everything. Fear not, I've had her hearing checked. She's just got healthy vocal chords and likes to hear herself talk).

I wrinkled my nose at the coffee pot, which seemed extra slow today. Was it me, or was the coffee actually funneling itself back up into the filter? I tapped the pot.

"Don't forget to turn in all of your homework today," I reminded him. "There's really no point in doing the work if you-"

"Yeah, Mom, I know," he interrupted.

"Good. And remember," I said as I turned around. "I'll be home around WHAT IS YOUR BUTT DOING HANGING OUT OF YOUR SHORTS?!"

My 12 was bent over at the waist, cramming books an papers into his backpack. He jerked himself upright and tried to yank up his pants, spilling everything from his hands in the process.

My child never, ever sags his pants. In fact, we had a few years where he yanked his pant up so high he resembled Steve Urkle from Family Matters.

Yes. You did do that.
 

And now my 12 is running around like Justin Dweeber.
 
I stole this poor quality photo from the internet.

 
"It's not, Mom. I'm... just... um."

I stared at him, narrowing my eyes.

"What did I tell you?"

My 12 looked back at me and smiled knowingly.

"Wipe that look off your face, kid. I will show up at that middle school with my smallest pair of pants halfway off MY butt, no belt, and a crop top. No one wants to see that, but EVERYONE WILL."

"Yeah, okay. I get it."

"Good. Go to school."

"Bye Mom."

"WEAR A BELT."

"Okay, okay."


 
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