Monday, July 16, 2012

Voo Doo Goddess

Earlier this week you may have seen my Facebook status update that Mumsie, Rawr and I decided to haul the Collective Child Unit to the ocean for the day. (FYI if you missed that post, you can find me on FB under A Smattering Lack of Eloquence. And yes. That was totally a beg for you to come over and visit. Also, I update FB way more than I do the blog. Why? Laziness)

But back to the story here. Kids and grownups embarking on a coastal adventure. 

Have you guys ever seen The Goonies? A mere multiple-hour drive away in Canon Beach exists Haystack Rock: The famous rock at the end of the movie. What is super LAME is that Rawr and I spent two hours combing every store in Canon Beach looking for a Goonies sweatshirt with Sloth's picture on the front and the words "Hey you guys!" scrawled across the bottom. How can these fools not cash-in on the fact that this untra-famous, totally awesome movie was partially filmed in their town? My next effort to secure that sweatshirt will have to take place in Astoria, where the rest of the movie was filmed.

Dude. I am seriously off topic here. I had some weird sample-energy drink at Costco earlier this afternoon and I think it's kicking in now, which is awesome because it's past my bedtime and I'm not really sure that it's supposed to take six hours for that crap to kick in, but WHATEVER.

My point it, on the way BACK from the beach, I was driving, Rawr was in the passenger seat and everyone was happily singing along with Rhianna in the stop-and-go evening rush hour when I noticed a motorcyclist zooming through traffic behind me.

Me: Whoa. [jabs Rawr in the arm] Check out this buttface on the little crotch rocket.

(I get mean in heavy traffic. SO WHAT)

[both turning to watch him cut around like a lunatic at seriously unsafe speeds]

Me: He's not wearing gloves on his hands, or even a jacket. If he falls, he is going to hurt.

Rawr: I hope he skins his elbow. Look at that idiot cutting people off.

[both shake heads]

Me: [immediately distracted] Check it out. What's that? Transit police? I've never ever heard of that. 

Rawr: He's going to hang out at the bus station.

[both laugh]

Me: Too bad he wasn't merging onto the freeway two minutes ago. Then he could have caught that idiot on the bike.

[both watch as transit police lights flash and car zooms away as traffic immediately slows to a halt]

[A MERE TWO MINUTES LATER]

Both: Hoollllyyyy shiiiiiiiiii----

Because laid out in front of us across the freeway are the remnants of that guy's motorcycle. His HELMET is broken into pieces all over the road, the front of his bike is MISSING and the dude? DUDE IS SITTING ON THE GROUND. His hands are ripped up all the way to his elbows, his shoe is literally worn away from his foot and he looks dazed. People are already there helping him, the Transit Police car has stopped and I can hear sirens. As we pass the scene, Rawr and I notice the car that the cyclist hit: it has an enormous dent in the back of the vehicle where the guy had to have rear-ended it with his entire body. How that guy lived is beyond me. I have no idea how he wasn't crushed by the heavy traffic when he flew off his bike.

I'm totally not making fun of the guy for his misfortune. In fact, I told the girls to send up a quick prayer for the idiot in hopes that he didn't have any massive internal bleeding because he needed to pull through and become an advocate for not driving like a spider monkey in a circus ring full of banana-stealing dolphins.

No. What I'm talking about is Rawr's untapped Voo Doo powers. SHE WISHED HIM A SKINNED ELBOW AND IT WORKED.

Do not eff with that woman.

She's dangerous.

And also kind of awesome.

Because she can use mind powers, not because she tried to kill a man.
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